Danske citater:

• "Der stÃ¥r en mand udenfor døren med en stor, sort moustache". Sig, jeg allerede har èn
• "Skraldemanden stÃ¥r udenfor døren". Sig, vi ikke skal have noget i dag.
• At betale hustrubidrag er som at fodre en død hest.
• Bag hver en succesrig mand stÃ¥r en kvinde; og bag hende hans kone.
• Citér mig for, at jeg er fejlciteret.
• Den, som opfandt sex, vidste virkelig, hvad han gjorde.
• Der er én mÃ¥de at finde ud af, om en mand er ærlig. Spørg ham. Svarer han ja, ved du, han er uærlig.
• Det eneste der kræves for at blive gammel er, at man lever længe nok.
• Det her kan selv en femÃ¥rig forstÃ¥. sÃ¥ lad os fÃ¥ fat i en!
• Dette er mine principper. Hvis du ikke kan ælide dem, sÃ¥ har jeg andre.
• En mand er aldrig ældre end den kvinde, han er sammen med.
• En ægtefælle, som ønsker et lykkeligt ægteskab, skal lære at holde sin mund lukket og sin tegnebog Ã¥ben.
• Enhver der siger, han kan gennemskue en kvinde, gÃ¥r glip af en masse.
• Enten er han død, eller mit ur er gÃ¥et i stÃ¥. , A Day at the Races
• Han har en hjerne som en treÃ¥rig. Faktisk var den treÃ¥rige glad for at slippe af med den.
• Han har sit smukke udseende fra sin far. Han er plastikkirurg.
• Han ser mÃ¥ske ud som en idiot, og han lyder mÃ¥ske som en idiot, men tag ikke fejl af ham - han er et idiot.
• Hun: Jeg nærmer mig de fyrre. Han: Fra hvilken side?
• Husk det, I mænd, som kæmper for en kvindes ære. Det er sikkert mere, end hun selv gør.
• Hustruer er personer, som ikke synes, at de danser nok.
• Hvad jeg synes om stykket ?? Jeg sÃ¥ det under uheldige omstændigheder. Tæppet var oppe.
• Hvem som helst kan blive gammel. Det eneste man behøver gøre, er at leve længe nok.
• Hvis du falder ud af et vindue og brækker begge ben, sÃ¥ skal du ikke komme løbende til mig.
• Hvis indkomstskat er den pris, vi mÃ¥ betale for at holde regeringen pÃ¥ benene, sÃ¥ er underholdsbidrag den pris, vi mÃ¥ betale for at vælte en kvinde omkuld.
• Hvis jeg holdt dig tættere imod mig, ville jeg være pÃ¥ den anden side af dig.
• Hør min lille bly viol, - og jeg mener bly. Ca. 100 kg bly.
• I morges skød jeg en elefant i pyjamas. Hvordan den havde fÃ¥et den pÃ¥, gÃ¥r over min forstand.
• Ingen er helt ulykkelig, nÃ¥r ens bedste ven dummer sig.
• Jeg brød mig ikke om stykket, men jeg sÃ¥ det under ugunstige forhold. Tæppet var oppe.
• Jeg drikker for at gøre folk mere interessante.
• Jeg finder TV meget lærerigt. Hver gang nogen tænder for apparatet, gÃ¥r jeg ind i et andet værelse og læser en bog.
• Jeg giftede mig med din mor fordi jeg ville have børn. Forestil dig min skuffelse da du dukkede op.
• Jeg glemmer aldrig et ansigt. Men i Deres tilfælde vil jeg gøre en undtagelse.
• Jeg har arbejdet mig op fra ingenting til den yderste fattigdom.
• Jeg har et mÃ¥l. Du har et mÃ¥l. Nu skal vi bare finde et fodboldhold.
• Jeg har haft en fuldkommen pragtfuld aften - men ikke i aften.
• Jeg har ikke et fotografi, men du kan fÃ¥ mit fodaftryk. Det er ovenpÃ¥ i mine sokker.
• Jeg har været med sÃ¥ længe, at jeg kendte Doris Day, inden hun blev jomfru.
• Jeg troede, min barbermaskine var sløv, indtil jeg hørte hans tale
• Jeg ved ikke, hvad slags præsident han ville være blevet, han taler og taler og taler. Han ville være en fantastisk kone.
• Jeg vil ikke være medlem af en klub, som vil have mig som medlem.
• Militær retfærdighed er til retfærdighed, hvad militær musik er til musik.
• Min moder behandler alle lige - med foragt.
• Nu skal du ikke forplumre sagen ved at trække fakta ind i den.
• SkÃ¥l for vores hustruer og kærester: "MÃ¥tte de aldrig mødes".
• Ægteskab er den hyppigste Ã¥rsag til skilsmisse.
• Ægteskabet er en vidunderlig institution…men hvem ønsker at bo pÃ¥ en institution?

Engelske citater:

• "Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab".
• A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
• Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Blood's not thicker than money. , Double Dynamite
• Do they allow tipping on the boat? Yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
• Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. , A Day at the Races
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. , (1895-1977)
  Go, and never darken my towels again.
• Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
• How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
• I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
• I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
• I didn't like the play. But I saw under unfavorable circumstances -- the curtains were up.
• I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
• I drink to make people interesting.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• I like my women warm and my champagne cold.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
• I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
• In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that.…
• It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
• Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
• Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
• My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
• Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
• Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. , Monkey Business
• One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
• Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
• Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
• Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
• Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
• Someone: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".
• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
• There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
• There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
• This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy -- and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
• Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Time wounds all heels.
• We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
• Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
• You've got a goal; I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.