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CITATER - STEVEN WRIGHT

 

 

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Danske citater:

  • Da jeg fyldte to år blev jeg rimelig nervøs, fordi jeg havde fordoblet min alder på kun et år. Jeg tænkte, at hvis det fortsatte, ville jeg være halvfems når jeg fyldte seks.
  • Da jeg var lille havde vi en sandkasse. Det var en kviksandkasse. Jeg var enebarn... eller, det blev jeg.
  • Det er godt, at vi har tyngdekraften, for ellers ville fuglene bare blive deropppe, når de døde. Jægerne ville blive temmelig forvirrede.
  • En humlebi spiser sin egen vægt hver dag. I undrer Jer måske over, hvordan den vejer sin mad. Det gør den ikke. Den spiser bare en anden humlebi.
  • En ven sendte mig engang et postkort med et billede af Jorden. Bagpå stod der: ”Gid du var her.”
  • Har du lagt mærke til, at når du stikker en kæp ned i vandet, ser det ud, som om den er bøjet. Det er derfor, jeg aldrig tager bad.
  • Hvis et stykke brød altid lander med smørsiden nedad, og katte altid lander på poterne, hvad sker der så hvis man binder et stykke brød fast på ryggen af en kat og smider den ud ad vinduet?
  • I dag fik jeg forkert nummer. Fyren i den anden ende sagde ”hallo” og jeg sagde ”hallo, må jeg tale med Jørgen?” Den anden fyr sagde: ”Øh... det tror jeg ikke... han er kun to måneder gammel.” Jeg sagde: ”Jeg kan godt vente.”
  • I mit hus er der en lyskontakt, der ikke laver noget. Nu og da plejede jeg at tænde og slukke for den, bare for at checke. I går ringede der en dame fra Tyskland og sagde: ”Hold så op med det!”
  • I mit hus har jeg malet loftbilleder af værelserne ovenpå. Så behøver jeg aldrig gå derop.
  • Jeg blev stoppet af politiet for at køre 70 kilometer i timen. Betjenten sagde: ”Ved du ikke at hastighedsbegrænsningen er 50 kilometer i timen?” ”Jo, hr. betjent, men jeg skal ikke køre i så lang tid.”
  • Jeg elsker at gå i butikker. Jeg elsker at gøre ekspedienterne tossede. Når de spørger, om der er noget de kan hjælpe med, siger jeg: ”Har I noget jeg kan lide?”. Hvis de spørger hvilken størrelse jeg bruger, siger jeg: ”Ekstra medium.”
  • Jeg har lavet en del abstrakte malerier på det seneste. Ekstremt abstrakte; ingen pensler, ingen maling, ingen lærred – jeg tænker bare på det.
  • Jeg har verdens største samlig af muslingeskaller. Jeg opbevarer den på alverdens strande. Måske har I set den?
  • Jeg installerede et ovenlysvindue i min lejlighed. Den ovenpå er rasende.
  • Jeg købte en hund den anden dag og døbte ham Sit. Det er skægt at sige: ”Kom her, Sit! Kom her, Sit!” Den blev sindssyg.
  • Jeg købte noget pulver-vand, men jeg ved ikke hvad jeg skal tilsætte det.
  • Jeg så et skilt: ”Rasteplads 3 km”. Det er temmelig stort. Mange mennesker må være ret trætte.
  • Jeg såede nogle fuglefrø. Så kom der en fugl op. Jeg ved ikke, hvad jeg skal give den at spise.
  • Jeg tog et kursus i hurtig-ventning. Nu tager det mig kun ti minutter at vente en time.
  • Jeg tog hen i banken og spurgte om jeg måtte låne en kop penge. ”Hvorfor det?” spurgte de. ”Jeg skal købe noget sukker,” sagde jeg.
  • Jeg udfyldte et skema, hvor der stod: ”I ulykkestilfælde underrettes:” Jeg skrev: ”En læge”... hvad kan min mor stille op?
  • Jeg var nødt til at standse min bil et øjeblik. Hjulene var blevet rundtossede.
  • Jeg ville slå ihjel for nobels fredspris.
  • Kender I det at man gynger i en gyngestol, og man gynger så langt at man næsten falder bagover, men redder sig i sidste øjeblik. Sådan har jeg det hele tiden.
  • Lige nu har jeg hukommelsestab og deja vu på samme tid. Jeg tror, jeg har glemt det her før.

 

Engelske citater:

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
  • I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
  • I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
  • I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
  • I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
  • I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
  • I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
  • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
  • I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  • I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
  • I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  • If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
  • If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
  • If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
  • In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
  • It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
  • It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
  • My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
  • My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
  • My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
  • My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
  • My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
  • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
  • Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
  • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
  • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
  • When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
  • You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
  • You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

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